Five Firsts: Probing Digit
NAME: The One, Archibald Snadge, Trevor Haatz, La Pissoir, Gabriel Asturd
BAND AFFILIATION: Probing Digit
INSTRUMENT: Whatever we feel like playing. Our pure brilliance allows us to do it all.
1. THE FIRST ALBUM I EVER BOUGHT WAS … a sonic pile of nonsense, which is why we decided to write and produce the best music known to man. A lot of these so-called bands – such as the Beatles, Aerosmith, Metallica, the New Kids on the Block, etc. – make music that is largely flawed and displays signs of musical incompetence. With minimal effort, we craft remarkable pieces that are superior in all aspects from lyrical truth to instrumental prowess.
2. THE FIRST CONCERT THAT I EVER SAW WAS … a cacophony of pseudo-musical mumbling, which is why we decided to develop a performance that blows massive loads of epic brilliance from the unworthy stages on which we play. The audience typically knows to expect the unexpected, but when we fire off rounds of refined magnificence, they rarely know how to accept it. Usually it’s with jaws gaping open, and we get it all over their faces.
3. THE FIRST MUSICAL INSTRUMENT I EVER OWNED OR PLAYED WAS … not worthy of the spectacular music we performed with it. Likely it was some garbage piece hastily manufactured by a fly-by-night company, but today as we destroy instruments of the highest caliber with our effortless melodic, harmonic, chordal, and percussive excellence, we are constantly in search of man-made instruments that can handle our divine superiority. We have yet to find these instruments, and it’s quite costly.
4. THE FIRST SONG THAT I EVER PERFORMED IN PUBLIC WAS … capable of impregnating women from distances up to 35 feet. Today, we can easily conceive from two miles.
5. THE FIRST BAND I WAS EVER IN WAS … completely unaware that one day we’d each quit the garbage we started with and come together to form the greatest quintet of human history – Probing Digit.